My sober year.
March 13th, 2021, marks a full year without a single alcoholic beverage for me. I didn’t consciously plan this sober year. Friday the 13th wasn’t a launch date and I didn’t have an end date or trial period in mind. I had gone for margaritas the night before with a guy I had been seeing for a few weeks and his brother and brother’s girlfriend. Sitting at the mostly empty Mexican restaurant in Brooklyn we experienced one of the last “normal “ nights as New York locked down around us. While at dinner, the nagging feeling I’d had in my gut all week regarding this guy - that he was no longer into me- was becoming stronger and stronger. I was right, he canceled our plans the next day (I hung out at home and ate Mac and cheese, I have never been one to drink alone) and that Saturday, the last night you could go to a restaurant in NYC, he ended things. So I sat home again, starting to feel the isolation of quarantine (which technically I wasn’t in yet as my job didn’t officially shut down until that Tuesday, March 17th) but it never occurred to me to open the random alcohol options that I had in my apartment.
I only mention this brief “relationship” because while I at times have performatively said things like “I need a drink” to relax or deal with something stressful the reality is, and what I have truly realized this year, that alcohol, for me, just causes the anxiety and makes me more stressed and upset. I never have the relief. Alcohol immediately heightens my anxiety and I start to worry and overthink - will I say or do the wrong thing? will I get a migraine? will I be hungover?
When I started I dating this guy, in February 2020, I was doing a Whole30. Now I am not one to want to be difficult or annoying so I pretty quickly gave up the Whole30 food plan so that I could be fun and normal on dates but I stuck to the plan’s sobriety rules. So I didn’t drink all of February 2020 and then stopped again on March 13th. If I am being honest I was starting to see a correlation between my anxiety and drinking. I have never been a “big drinker” but I did feel that when I drank I would say the wrong thing or mess up in some way. (in a year away from drinking and with a lot of time for self reflection and care, I realize that I wasn’t doing everything wrong and saying the wrong things all the time to people I cared about). On a totally superficial note, I thought not drinking would help me shed some of the weight I couldn’t seem to lose but I guess my drinking wasn’t enough that stopping affected my weight. In hindsight, I hope my organs and general insides are pleased at this toxin free year for other ,more general, health benefits.
I kept thinking I would drink at some point but I also thought lock down would last two weeks. From March to June I saw so few people and didn’t go to any restaurants. I wasn’t tempted to order delivery cocktails and due to my migraines I am very used to not drinking when I am with my sister. Now here’s the kicker, I have always used my migraines and headaches as my big , valid, non negotiable excuse to not drink (although I am learning to not give a disclaimer or excuse - that might be for another blog). No drinks didn’t equal no headaches or even less headaches. The stress of Covid-19 and furlough, unemployment, cobra, starting my health coaching practice, the pandemic continuing, life in general, hormones etc have fed my migraines well and honestly I have more recurrent headaches now than ever before.
What has been alleviated is my general, daily anxiety. One, I am not regularly putting something into my body that, as it built up, contributed to my systemic stress and worry. Two, by choosing not to imbibe, I don’t have the immediate fears - will I say the wrong thing? text someone I shouldn’t? respond incorrectly? be misunderstood? be hungover (I hate being hungover and deal with a lot of guilt and self loathing whenever I am.) There will be another blog discussing my life journey with and alongside alcohol but I have never allowed myself to use alcohol as an excuse for doing the wrong thing hence the anxiety spiral it contributes too.
Am I anxiety free in 2021? That’s a resounding hell no but the noisy anxiety, the perpetual hum of panic that used to reverberate in my body most days and then ramp up as I started to drink or over thought every detail of what I could have done differently the days following an evening of drinking? That’s now gone. Now when I am stressed or having an anxiety/panic attack I can really isolate the feelings and recognize where they are coming from because they aren’t buzzing in my brain 24/7.
This is my journey with alcohol and simply how my body reacts to booze. I genuinely miss my beloved margaritas and the vibe of splitting wine with someone over a cozy dinner. I am not necessarily done forever. I’ll let you know where I am on March 13 next year.