My sober year.
“If I was going to hurt you wouldn’t I have taken your phone off of the desk when I came in?”
I don’t talk (or even think) about this night in December 2016 often but after what happened to Sarah Everard on 3/3/21 I couldn’t help but be reminded of this moment and a few others, moments when I was simply finishing up my day or walking the last few steps home and suddenly feared for my life.
I’ll be brief - the story I am referencing in the first sentence here happened after a work event. I had told my other co workers to leave, I typically cleaned and closed up alone although it was later than usual. I was going in and out of the building to take out the garbage and had left the front door closed but unlocked.
When I came out of the office into the main room a large man was standing the building. I immediately started to panic - was this it for me? This was how I died? This was how I got assaulted? I don’t remember what I said really and I know he was repeatedly asking for money and to buy him Chinese food. Then he made the comment about seeing my phone and hurting me. I said I would help him but my wallet had been stolen the week before (true) and I had no cash, so I needed to grab my phone and I would only help him outside.
Somehow I got him out of the building and I shut and locked the door between us. I dropped to floor and stayed down near a table hiding for the next hour plus. I called my boss, co workers, family and boyfriend. I don’t think we called the police but I don’t remember why. Everyone was sympathetic and upset for me but they all kept asking “why didn’t YOU lock the door every time YOU went in and out with the garbage?”. Victim shaming and blaming is a nuanced thing. On the surface no one truly put the fault on me but..... everyone asked why I hadn’t locked the door?
From that moment on I felt at fault. At fault it happened at all, at fault for what could have happened, at fault because I hadn’t locked the fucking door? Now wait, door locked or not - he could have grabbed me outside, he could have knocked on the locked door or been watching and waiting for me to leave. None of what happened that night was my fault. Did I become anal retentive regarding door locking after this event occurred- I definitely did. Do I understand that victim blaming comes from a “good” place on some level, especially when those blaming are your friends and family? I could see the trauma in my boss’s face when she told me she had watched our nest security camera video of my interaction with this man. I had been terrified. I get it, it was in the top 10 (maybe top 5) scariest things I’ve ever been through. Most people in my life could barely discuss it with me because it was so upsetting.
And yet today I just keep thinking, at least I was lucky enough get home alive that night.